A few years ago I read a book about Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and the author was writing about the effects of good and bad parenting. He said that parents don't have to be perfect, just good enough. He said that children understand when they are loved and can weather the occasional outburst when a parent says something they regret, as long as that love is demonstrated to them. I have never been a parent, nor have I had a great deal of experience with children, but I have been a child and this I can tell you. If you have said something you regret and have apologised to your son he will remember that apology and will love you for it.
To me you sound like a fantastic parent. When it all gets too much and you are struggling, you still try to do what is best for your son. Don't be ashamed of getting tired or resentful. And I don't need to say that the lack of help being provided by the authorities is disgraceful.
Finally I agree with what you are telling your son. The world keeps turning, all things must pass, and better times will come. I hope it's soon for you xxx
I do my best. These last 8.5 weeks have been such a struggle and goodness knows when it will be over. But amidst the uncertainty and stress, I believe he feels the love.
I always see life as a wheel. Like the wheel of fortune in tarot.
It’s forever turning and that’s both a curse and blessing.
So sorry to read that heartfelt account of the hill you are both climbing. I had a work colleague who had similar problems with an autistic child. He had to battle against the council, completely devoid of empathy and wedded to box ticking. Violent outbursts were also interwoven as well, especially the older his son became. I wish you well Julie in navigating this difficult journey, I really do. x
I agree with Jules. You are a loving parent and your son knows this and will know it when he looks back too.
I brought up my two alone (that was the path I took) from ages 3 ½ and 6 months old, there were days when I said things I deeply regretted or I just felt I’d done a bad job of being mum. Like you I apologised, I also used to steal into their rooms while they slept and whispered how much I love them in their ear :D They are 22 and 19 now so stealing into their rooms like that would be a bit creepy but I still tell them I love them (a lot) and remind them that I am a flawed mum who is just doing the best she can for us all.
You are doing a fantastic job. He’s very lucky to have you and you, of course, already know that you are lucky to have him too xx
Hi Julie, I'm so sorry you are having to fight to council to get what your son is entitled to. My son is also autistic. He went to mainstream schools but was very unhappy. I did feel terrible guilt for years as I did not manage to get a diagnosis for him as a child. He was told on his 21at birthday! Things got really desperate for a time BUT I'm happy to say at this time he is settled in a lovely job and doing well. Like other people have commented please don't beat yourself up. We have all said things we regret to loved ones. The most important thing is the heartfelt apology. I hope things turn around for your family soon. Sending positive vibes x
I'm so proud of everything my son has achieved despite despite the lack of support from the authorities.
Sorry if this sounds weird but I'm starting to listen to folk that say we choose our parents. Like we choose to be here at this time. You are everything your son needs. Please just ignore me if that's too odd!
"But somehow, we’ve been entrusted by chance or design to each other." Oh, I hear you. Thank you for this lovely and honest post. This is what parenting is actually like.
We all snap sometimes Julie. None of us are perfect.
But he's bright. So he needs to understand that he COULD go to school if his violent outbursts in transit stop. He's stopping himself and if he's going to function as an independent adult he's going to have to realise this and work to develop strategies to overcome this.
I guess Residential ended up not being an option...?
I can’t relate to your circumstances Julie but understand the frustration and we have all said things we regret when under pressure . I’ve a loved one with addictions that are killing them and I’m at my wits end and we are only human . Lots of love ❤️
Oh bless you. Yes addictions can really mess up lives. We’ve all got something to contend with haven’t we? None of us get off free. Sending lots of love to you xx
That book you mention is now on my reading list! I already developed that phrase (the book title) through my own observations of bringing up 15 kids.
Really sorry for the difficulties you are going through. Don’t beat yourself up - you can only do your best which means screwing up now and again but acknowledging it and starting again. By way of encouragement, one of my boys had a strikingly similar condition (including violence) and problems with education. Back in the days when Asperger’s was still a diagnosis, he went from school to school until eventually we landed on one that worked for him and he settled into study such that he achieved decent GCSEs. He now has his own home, is married to a lovely girl, and has worked as an engineer for over 10 years. X
As usual Julie, so eloquently put... it brought a tear to my eye, as it probably will to my daughter, constantly feeling guilty when she loses it with my lovely 9 year old grandson. They always finish the day saying they love each other and with a hug and kiss and that makes everything OK 😘
I have also read ‘Affluenza’ by him, another good read.
Whatever we do, we are destined to make a bit of a hash of it I think. So as he advocates I just strive to be less shit. As far as your situation is concerned, I think teen years are probably worst for being at loggerheads with your parents. Chin up, hey?x
I didn’t put this one on Facebook. Some of the things I write feel too personal to put in such a mainstream place.
A few years ago I read a book about Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and the author was writing about the effects of good and bad parenting. He said that parents don't have to be perfect, just good enough. He said that children understand when they are loved and can weather the occasional outburst when a parent says something they regret, as long as that love is demonstrated to them. I have never been a parent, nor have I had a great deal of experience with children, but I have been a child and this I can tell you. If you have said something you regret and have apologised to your son he will remember that apology and will love you for it.
To me you sound like a fantastic parent. When it all gets too much and you are struggling, you still try to do what is best for your son. Don't be ashamed of getting tired or resentful. And I don't need to say that the lack of help being provided by the authorities is disgraceful.
Finally I agree with what you are telling your son. The world keeps turning, all things must pass, and better times will come. I hope it's soon for you xxx
Thanks for your comment.
I do my best. These last 8.5 weeks have been such a struggle and goodness knows when it will be over. But amidst the uncertainty and stress, I believe he feels the love.
I always see life as a wheel. Like the wheel of fortune in tarot.
It’s forever turning and that’s both a curse and blessing.
X
That is my experience. Stay strong. x
Meant to say love you for this. Im lying down with eye open feeling sorry for myself with day ahead and another day with having to deal with life
Thanks. Another day. On we go, hey?
Hope you find some joy in it. Sending you love and strength xx
Yes indeed ❤️💪
So sorry to read that heartfelt account of the hill you are both climbing. I had a work colleague who had similar problems with an autistic child. He had to battle against the council, completely devoid of empathy and wedded to box ticking. Violent outbursts were also interwoven as well, especially the older his son became. I wish you well Julie in navigating this difficult journey, I really do. x
Appreciated.
Unless you live with it, it’s difficult to comprehend the tension it adds to family life. The planning that has to go into the slightest things.
I agree with Jules. You are a loving parent and your son knows this and will know it when he looks back too.
I brought up my two alone (that was the path I took) from ages 3 ½ and 6 months old, there were days when I said things I deeply regretted or I just felt I’d done a bad job of being mum. Like you I apologised, I also used to steal into their rooms while they slept and whispered how much I love them in their ear :D They are 22 and 19 now so stealing into their rooms like that would be a bit creepy but I still tell them I love them (a lot) and remind them that I am a flawed mum who is just doing the best she can for us all.
You are doing a fantastic job. He’s very lucky to have you and you, of course, already know that you are lucky to have him too xx
Oh bless you. That’s sweet xx
Hi Julie, I'm so sorry you are having to fight to council to get what your son is entitled to. My son is also autistic. He went to mainstream schools but was very unhappy. I did feel terrible guilt for years as I did not manage to get a diagnosis for him as a child. He was told on his 21at birthday! Things got really desperate for a time BUT I'm happy to say at this time he is settled in a lovely job and doing well. Like other people have commented please don't beat yourself up. We have all said things we regret to loved ones. The most important thing is the heartfelt apology. I hope things turn around for your family soon. Sending positive vibes x
I have had to take it to a judicial review and have already spent nearly £400.
It’s awful they make our stress even greater.
I didn’t even choose that school for him. They did.
I’m glad your son is doing well now. We can’t change the past, only shape the future, hey?x
I'm so proud of everything my son has achieved despite despite the lack of support from the authorities.
Sorry if this sounds weird but I'm starting to listen to folk that say we choose our parents. Like we choose to be here at this time. You are everything your son needs. Please just ignore me if that's too odd!
I’m certainly learning that’s for sure so maybe it’s true.
I’m happy for all your son has achieved.
Yes the lack of support is shocking.
We are all being taught lessons but only some of us are learning.....the others need to heal first.
Thanks. I remember a time I didn't dare think of his future so it really is a turnaround!
Yes and the gas lighting only adds to the distress.
"But somehow, we’ve been entrusted by chance or design to each other." Oh, I hear you. Thank you for this lovely and honest post. This is what parenting is actually like.
Thank you. I am pleased you could relate to it. It’s tough sometimes isn’t it? Love to you x
Definitely. ❤️
We all snap sometimes Julie. None of us are perfect.
But he's bright. So he needs to understand that he COULD go to school if his violent outbursts in transit stop. He's stopping himself and if he's going to function as an independent adult he's going to have to realise this and work to develop strategies to overcome this.
I guess Residential ended up not being an option...?
Yes, he is very bright and his self regulation is improving with age so I am confident he won’t always exhibit the behaviour he sometimes does.
They didn’t ever suggest a residential placement for him, no.
I can’t relate to your circumstances Julie but understand the frustration and we have all said things we regret when under pressure . I’ve a loved one with addictions that are killing them and I’m at my wits end and we are only human . Lots of love ❤️
Oh bless you. Yes addictions can really mess up lives. We’ve all got something to contend with haven’t we? None of us get off free. Sending lots of love to you xx
That book you mention is now on my reading list! I already developed that phrase (the book title) through my own observations of bringing up 15 kids.
Really sorry for the difficulties you are going through. Don’t beat yourself up - you can only do your best which means screwing up now and again but acknowledging it and starting again. By way of encouragement, one of my boys had a strikingly similar condition (including violence) and problems with education. Back in the days when Asperger’s was still a diagnosis, he went from school to school until eventually we landed on one that worked for him and he settled into study such that he achieved decent GCSEs. He now has his own home, is married to a lovely girl, and has worked as an engineer for over 10 years. X
Thank you. Always nice to hear positive stories. I have faith he will come through it all, with love and patience.
As usual Julie, so eloquently put... it brought a tear to my eye, as it probably will to my daughter, constantly feeling guilty when she loses it with my lovely 9 year old grandson. They always finish the day saying they love each other and with a hug and kiss and that makes everything OK 😘
Keeping communication going both ways is key I think. Once that goes in any relationship, it’s all over.
Hope they are doing well x
Thank you. I love you x
Yes it really is. This is the link.
https://www.waterstones.com/book/they-f-you-up/oliver-james/9780747584780
I have also read ‘Affluenza’ by him, another good read.
Whatever we do, we are destined to make a bit of a hash of it I think. So as he advocates I just strive to be less shit. As far as your situation is concerned, I think teen years are probably worst for being at loggerheads with your parents. Chin up, hey?x