The River of No Return

Elon Musk and his sweet nothin’s

“We don’t need another hero”

Sang Tina Turner way back when.

Yet clearly, it would seem we do, as folk assemble infront of the latest factory gate - that of self styled cyber saviour, Elon Musk.

Trump didn’t set y’all free, but there’s a new messiah in town, because *dude*…….Sky Daddy can’t do EVERYTHING and YOU need a leader……y’ know…….organise teams of left and right, make sure you peasants play nicely.

Hell, this ‘human thing’ only works when there are RULES and someone to impose them, damn it!

Straddling the Twittersphere as wacky “what-will-the-guy-do-next”, firm but fair substitute teacher, this wild west Willy Wonka can’t wait to show folks inside the secret world of Twatter.

Yay! - you’ve won the golden ticket, because Mr Musk is all about transparency.

“Will you walk into my parlour?” said the spider to the fly…..

Yes, when our Elon (who comes complete with trendy, socially acceptable form of Autism, Asperger’s….) is not intent on polluting the night sky with Starlink or instructing lackeys to dick about with monkey brains, he is spitting out stats out like a gobstopper machine (pun intended) whilst obedient Oompa Loompas diligently ferry folk down all the right rivers and stir all the right pots.

The Ordinary (Grandpa) Joes lap it up.  Oh to watch which unwitting fool will be next to slip and fall foot over mouth into the chocolate river! 

It won’t be THEM of course because they identify as sensible everyman who knows right from wrong. They say and do the reasonable, socially responsible thing. The things that most people would do. They themselves are in the moral majority.

Let’s get a poll on it, hey Elon? Yeah - that’s ME, Elon. We’re on the same team, buddy! These billionaires, they’re so damn relatable. ‘Hive mind’ never felt so good!

Predictably, *the majority* will be onside when each new Kanye gets what he ‘deserves’.

Swastikas are BAD!

Down with BAD STUFF!

There will be Slugworth style baddies served up en route for your entertainment, in the form of Farage, Fox and the like, to test your loyalty.  Wouldn’t be Christmas without pantomime villains after all!  But as with the Wonka story, ultimately these figures play a part in leading you one way…….back into the arms of the boss.

As those who are a little too wild for the ride are dutifully disposed of, little ’ole Groupthink you - bribed with squares of fair trade sustainable candy - will be ushered nicely along. 

Please don’t worry about what goes on in THAT room or THAT room, it’s all very technical and you really should stay focused on licking the fruity wallpaper before you.

Soon, it will be time to climb aboard the equivalent of the great glass elevator and go …..um…….fuck knows where, because NO-ONE HAS EVER BEEN.

That’s right, nice Mr Musk invites you to open, not only your wallet (popularity comes at $8 a month!) but also your BRAIN in the form of his pet project Neuralink. But what’s a human brain when we’re a collective hivemind making honey together, huh?

Yep, Elon has the tech and wants to transport you - and humanity to places you’ve only dreamed of……or had nightmares about.

But that’s the thing with tech, isn’t it?

It can do all these car-azzzyyy things - just like the machines in Wonka’s factory - but it can also do really evil stuff too, can’t it?

Detail, schmeetail, don’t worry guys!

That shit won’t happen!

You’ll only do the fun stuff, promise. It’s progressive, it’s ‘science’.

Anything else, would be ‘Pure Imagination’………right?