The Great Royal Variety Performance

It’s all about timing…..

Winter, eh?

Everyone’s getting sick at the moment, aren’t they?

And, I wanted to write something about ‘King’ Charles and his recent alleged diagnosis, but just like whoever did his prostate exam, I’ve had to carefully consider the angle I went in at, or risk a shit storm.

Cancer.

Most of us will know someone who has endured it, or is currently enduring it.

I don’t like to say ‘battle’ because let’s face it, if it were a war, we’d have a helluva lot more money to throw at those suffering with it, wouldn’t we?

Christ, if NHS beds were tanks, your local oncology unit would be kitted out like an episode of ‘Cribs’.

75……a time in a man’s life when he just wants to put his feet up, take a few long holidays and enjoy some of life’s luxuries after years of……um……..oh……..that doesn’t work, does it?

Life’s such a bitch though, hey?

But should we choose to buy into this latest royal spectacle, no doubt for ’ole Sausage Fingers, the diagnosis took a similar path to that of people you and I know.

Fannying about trying to get a GP’s appointment. Having to limber up to some bulldog of a receptionist who’s rehearsing how to fob you off before you’ve even spoken. Choosing between your own experienced GP in five weeks time or some newly qualified ‘health assistant’ at stupid o clock tomorrow morning. Still, they both have Google, innit?  Levelling up, me muckers!

Then there’s the prospect of possibly languishing for months on an NHS waiting list, having appointments cancelled, operations postponed, the worrying wait to hear back……

And should the worst be discovered, there’s wondering if your sick pay will stretch to cover the bills. It’s not cheap heating and lighting Clarence House these days! One may have to consider losing a butler or two…..

Ideally, you’d want to be growing and eating organic produce free from pesticides, wouldn’t you?

Nah, not like an allotment - duh! That’s small fry.  I mean like having your own brand of Soil Association certified organic food!

Then there’s considering how your family would be provided for.  What to do with your estate. Those castles and palaces ain’t gonna divvy themselves up!

Listen, I’m as serious as cancer (oh hang on, that line’s been used by ‘Snap!’, hasn’t it?) when I say I think it would be marvellous if we could all give the disease our ‘best shot’…..

In fact, what would really be awesome, would be if we had a super duper shiny new vaccine for it…….

Well funny you should say that, peasants.

Cause…..(fucking uncanny, this!), tah-dah!

They’ve just developed one!

For real - imagine if people could go inject themselves with toxins to make their natural defences even more gooder (or summat).

It would be experimental, obviously……

But that just sort of means ‘avant garde’, cutting edge, doesn’t it? The ‘new punk’ for injections.

MRNA, but I think that’s like the vax version of ‘ecstasy’, right? Oh, wait…..that was MDMA, wasn’t it? Could be less fun then…….hmm……Hang on…….what does mRNA actually mean, then?

Details, smeetails! I’m confident folks would be given a full briefing before they rolled their sleeves up! Or a sticker, if not.

And it *might* work. (pahaha, science doesn’t have to actually know!) May do more damage too…… Win some, lose some, hey? Roll of the dice and all that….

I think it’s really public spirited of him anyway, to tell us about his condition. Could’ve shared his vast wealth, given us another bank holiday or two….. but no, ‘our’ king knew that what the nation would appreciate most of all, would be an update on his own personal health matters.

And it’s heartening to know that whatever happens to our dear monarch, there may be light at the end of the tunnel for the rest of us, isn’t it?

Which is more than could be said for his poor old ex wife.