Poems from the last couple of weeks

I started April like a dynamo, actively reining myself in because my energy was so intense. I had so much to say, about everything, on fire, in my zone. I was cartoon comic book alive; pow, bam, boom! Obstacles were obliging instead of obstinate. They leapt out of my way and pointed me in the direction of bright new stars.

Anyway, school holidays soon knocked those feelings out of me.

That, and the division I’ve been seeing of late on my social media feeds around the trans/women’s rights stuff.

The sun has now moved on from my birth sign Aries into Taurus and I have retreated inwards a little more over the last few days. Not depressed but I have felt the change of pace. Still, every journey inwards brings with it a few poems. I hope you appreciate them.

I will write the meanings at the end.

Dust

Love choked inside a bottle

Cast off from the coast to sea

Broken into pieces

On a shore called tragedy

Jagged edges smooth in time

Pretty sure they must…..

Particles reduce to fine

Eventually, we’re dust

.

I roll the twilight into pearls

Conspire to steal its shine

Drowning in a vortex

Of an Eden never mine

My eyes comb bleak horizons

Searching for a ship that’s lost

Guess I’ll stay here on the beach

To die is living’s cost

.

Each speck of sand was once a rock

Held soothsayers and sages

Cliff tops crumbled to the clock

To forge a dirge of ages

My fate no different than the rest

In destiny I trust

For elements will carry me

To you, when we’re both dust

Disconnect

Some days I feel so vividly

The slightest salt consumes my raw

Quivering like a rabbit’s heart

Entombed within a sealed jar

At night, I ache in violet baths

Soul screams as new moons drown their stars

Blind alleys spawn from fruitless paths

I cherry pick a fading scar

Meet ghouls that stagger in my dark

Old efigies I resurrect

Until it gets too much to bear

At that point, I will disconnect.

I’m Getting It

I’m getting it

Little slow on the uptake

Still……

I’m getting it

Now

Finally

Eventually, clicks

Cause minds play tricks

Emotion kicks

And kicks and kicks

And kicks and KICKS

A dream in womb but never born

Just mourned

And worn; as gaping wound

The vile decay, as fresh ferments

The clamber up, the steep descent

Micro deaths align as stitches

All sewn up

My rags, your riches

.

The grief of every swollen sun

That shone one glorious day

Just one

With courtesy of perseverance

Runners that could go the distance

Become blanched ears of cowering corn

As grass stands naked on the lawn

Her blades, lone daggers in the soil

As roots embed, how light recoils

Fate spits her venom of indifference

Rage of beige with no deliverance

Allies fraternise with enemies

Write our verse ‘in loving memory’

.

I’m getting it

Could not be told

Your crock of shit, my crock of gold

The debt collector of the soul

Insisted on his pound of flesh

And nothing less would do….. I guess

What can I say?

I tried, I fought,

You won, you taught

It’s how it goes

I numb and know

But…….do I, though?

Glass

If I had a pane of glass

I’d hold it up between us

Then maybe you’d feel safe enough

To step a little nearer

But as it is, I have no glass

I only have myself

And so I hold a different pain

Whilst you stay somewhere else

Day One

My heart at fifty one

Is how it was at seventeen

Hopeful for the future

Breaking at what might have been

The rest’s a different story

Things don’t look quite as they were

My skin, it lacks elastic

And my teeth require repair

My body was a temple

But I failed to worship often

More scaffolding is needed

As the structure starts to soften

More silver on my scalp these days

Than brass inside my pocket

The lines upon my forehead

Mimic grids for noughts and crosses

But I know my best adventures

Are the ones I’ve yet to come

You might call it ‘fifty something’

But I much prefer ‘Day One’.

Meanings

Dust

I wrote this one feeling philosophical. Sometimes knowing our bodies will be dust one day is a comfort, a leveller. Knowing any pain you feel will be over. Dust to me is a beautiful thing. I like the way birds and cats take dust baths, the way it surrounds them like a brief gold aura. I also like the idea that every mighty, imposing cliff is destined to be minuscule, that heaviness will be one day become light as ash and dance in the arms of waiting wind.

Disconnect

This poem is about feeling emotions intensely. You wrestle with your feelings, do so many rounds until eventually you can’t hack it anymore. I liked the idea of the nights of new moons being the ones when stars are drowned because of course they are the darkest. The ‘cherry pick a fading scar’ is about focusing on something you know will hurt you and stupidly chipping away at it. Eventually, you have no choice but to disconnect, look down on your body from above as observer, move her like an obedient chess piece.

I’m Getting It

People talk about pennies dropping, as in grasping a concept. Sometimes they drop quickly, like plopping them into a well. Other times they go this way then that way, zigging and zagging before finally reaching the bottom. Like in this picture. Remember these?

This is the image that came into my mind. So this poem is about that. About hitting everything on the way down to the bottom. I liked the idea of blades of grass. Saw them in a sword like way, valiant and bloody. The way each one stands alone yet also together with others. ‘As roots embed, how light recoils’ is about how the more you try and hold on to something, the further away it slips.

Glass

Some people just can’t drop their guard. Can’t get close. I was thinking of the miming exercises we used to do in drama class, mirroring another person. How it felt safe to get close enough to do that because you knew the other person would not touch you. There were rules. But it’s different with emotions isn’t it? People can touch your heart regardless of whether they should.

Day One

It was my birthday last week and I was reflecting on ageing, what I’m happy with, not so happy with. I try to see the funny side, to strike a healthy balance between self acceptance and self improvement. I feel luckier than some people in that I really do believe my greatest adventures are yet to be had. Only last year I did my snorkelling with hammerhead sharks so I’m certain there’s so much more ahead.

PS: Thanks for reading. I now have more than 300 pieces on substack. If you enjoyed this piece, you can find more poems under the heading ‘poems’ on my home page.

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Images (apart from the one of me) pixabay