Poems and reflections from a birthday week

It was my 50th birthday recently and as such, I found myself taking stock a little.

Whilst I welcome ageing, birthdays themselves always make me feel tense. There’s an expectation, an awkwardness. I want them done with.

I’ve never been the sort of person partial to meeting in large groups or throwing parties. If I arrange to see you, I demand ALL of you. As a selfish Aries, I’m not about to wait my turn whilst you do your ‘social butterfly’ bit.

Hello??? I AM the flower!!!

I should add, I do reciprocate and will always give you 100% in return. You don’t find a person’s diamonds by skimming their surface, do you? You must diligently, attentively mine their deep.

The last couple of weeks saw me meet up with a carefully chosen selection of good female friends in this one-on-one manner. I lunched with a couple, went to a gig with one, wandered a honeyed country lane with another.

Each woman had something inspiring or comforting to offer with her company. Each presence left me with a juicy morsel of wisdom, the type of advice that doesn’t force itself upon you but instead lands gracefully, a mesmerising dragonfly you can’t help heed. Open mouthed, you devour its crumbling sapphire hum and the vibration becomes your own. You are effortlessly elevated.

A particularly poignant meeting was with a friend of mine with stage four cancer.

How full of love and poise she was, her only focus on healing and appreciation of what she has. Her simple words will stay with me a long time;

“I ask myself what will bring me joy. I plant a lot of flowers…. because they bloom. Planting flowers cannot fail to bring me joy.”

Cynical me immediately recalled the countless times I’d bought dud dahlia bulbs from Wilko……….but I got the drift.

So many things in life are risks, or come with a side dish of pain or psychological investment. These are namely due to ideas we have cultivated, let our wild horses run away with, rather than embracing reality in its essence.

The most reliable pleasures are found in what we know to be real.

A recent tarot card reading brought up the ‘Queen of Pentacles’ for me. I usually dismiss her as the dowdy part of my psyche. In my head she wears a hessian sack and is a bit of a dullard. But coupled with what my friend had said just days earlier, the card felt like a call to channel ‘Earth’ energies. To ground myself in experiences that speak to my immediate senses as opposed to my over active imagination. As a passionate woman, often my thoughts whip themselves up into frenzied fiery flight so this feels like a challenge, yet my trip in a couple of days feels the perfect place to trial it. For a while I have said to myself “no fancy dresses or make up on this trip. It’s all about communion with nature.”

I deliberately chose Galápagos because it is a place renowned for its flora and fauna.

So, maybe this is the direction I am thinking my life should take right now. Of course, like every woman, I reserve the right to change my mind…….often.

I have posted these poems in the order they were written. I will take you through each one at the end in case you want to first assign your own ideas and meanings.

Wishing Well

Cast out my dreams, coins to well

But they must have looked like halfpennies

Or worthless foreign ones to you

Because no splashes were made

No wishes came true

There they sat in copper decay

Ugly, ignored….

Unmistakable stench of corrosion

As they drowned in cloudy water

……And part of me wonders

If, instead of throwing them in

Full pelt

Hopefully, romantically…..

I should have saved them all up

How rich would I now be

From my own banked love?

Poppies at night

What do poppies do at night?

Invisible, til daybreak comes

No bees will call, no butterflies

Beaten by moon’s evening song

The crimson cry in flimsy cape

Stoops in ache, as flame is torn

Yet blackest seeds that lie in wait

Are new fire, one day to be born

Friends

Love forged through doubt and dirt, today.

Spoke to my uncertain green, in gentle petal tongue

Up they sprang, in floral rank

Fixing milk-strong arms around my waist

I was capable, as gold rushed from their centres

Peace smiled on me in summer court

Heart beams swarmed, a rash of bees

How I absorbed, inhaled their energy

Yielding, bleaching to an arching sun

My tangles combed, my skin warm-towelled

Braided into brightness, steady in their chain

Day

I taste the day, a wondrous orb

A pause a storm could fail to curb

Keen blackbirds forage by the wall

New nettles nudging smudge of herb

Old forces chase, I lift the veil

To broaden and enchant my gaze

Decant my time as mellow foil

Temper line to muzzy haze

Journey to Earth

Journey to the pull of Earth

An undiscovered centre

Seeking element of worth

Converse with a new mentor

Journey to another realm

To lose myself in real

Let what I touch take precedence

To what I think or feel

Journey to a core of calm

In muted sand and stone

A grounding force will be my nurse

Anchor heart a home

*Guide/explanation to the poems for those interested*

Wishing Well - Sometimes emotional investments pay off and sometimes they don’t, hey? ‘Three coins in the fountain’ is a favourite song of mine, the idea that not all wishes will be honoured, not all coins blessed, some are luckier than others. But that said, investment in ones self by means of self love and personal growth, will always pay back dividends.

Poppies at night - The poppy here is a metaphor for a person - bold, seen, sociable and generous. But sometimes we feel alone holding our dark thoughts (seeds) in the night. Still, eventually, ideas are dispersed and some of them will come to fruition. We each have potential to birth new strong flame.

Friends - this was how I felt on the days around my birthday. Friends felt like a meadow of flowers, each bestowing a beautiful glowing truth upon me. I felt so grateful for all of them.

Day - This is about appreciating being in the moment. It’s also a bit like a prayer or plea - for my eyes to temper the harshness, to fuzz the edges and beautify.

Journey to Earth - This is me leaning in and listening to my instinct, the call to get closer to what I know to be real - animals, plants etc