I haven’t written a longish short story (if that’s a thing) in a while and wanted to challenge myself. Also wanted to write something about mental health that wasn’t so obvious as saying ‘mental health matters’ or some other trite shite. Hopefully it gets people to think more about the various ‘masks’ people wear. I hope you take something from it. As the cliche goes, everyone is fighting a battle we don’t know about, aren’t they? ❤️🙏
I liked it, Julie. It has stayed with me. You deftly depict the awkwardness yet connection between two different people with different backgrounds. The ending is surprising and cloaks the story in mystery.
Thank you, Hamish. I imagine the reason the ending is a surprise is because it was partly a surprise to me too. I write it a couple of times and wasn’t sure which direction to take it in.
Wow. I got engrossed. As other commentors have said, I had no idea where you were taking me. I'm not sure where I ended up either.
I felt like I was being invited to not trust one of the characters, but couldn't tell which. So Gabe was hiding something too. But what was the power dynamic in that little suicide pact? We never learnt enough about Ella to know. Did Gabe groom her into it? Did he just latch on to his next victim? Or did someone find their guardian angel? (his name kind of suggests the influence).
Anyway, as an overthinker, I definitely felt catered to. Thank you.
Yes, I wrote ‘Ella’ twice and then found myself going ‘Ay, ay, ay’ 😂 and wishing I had chosen a different name 😂
It’s hard to know how much to leave out isn’t it. I could have made more of that character but to me, she was a bit of a ‘wicked witch of the east’ character. We didn’t need to know all the ins and outs because focus was not on her but the two surviving characters. I quite like to leave certain aspects open to interpretation.
I originally gave this story a completely different ending where ‘Ashley’ thought she was cutting herself but was in the throes of some sort of psychotic delusion and was actually cutting Gabe and ended up killing him, I did this because in the first part of the story she expressed her anxieties and distrust of men and But when I wrote that version, it all sounded a bit too far fetched so I took it down a notch, and plus, I wanted it to end on a happier note too.
Sister I didn't know where you were taking me, and when I arrived I was crying. So many rich layers to this story. The vulnerability you were able to make it palpable in such a real way. And the pacing brought me into that feeling of anxiety that happens when you're in such states. Beautiful.
Thank you. I liked that line too. I was thinking about how that imagery mirrored the ‘battles’ of the mind - you think you are on top of something, have it ‘gritted’ but gradually the ‘ice’ makes itself known again.
Interesting; I read those lines as setting the atmosphere and it placed me in the scene feeling the cold. I hadn't considered a psychological metaphor at all! Great piece which I really enjoyed.
One of the things I am trying to work on in my writing, is pace. Consistency. When to hold it and when to deliberately betray it.
I wanted the difficulty in trying to ‘hold it together’ to become more apparent as time elapsed. At first, the character feels a little anxious but by the end of the night with all the ‘work’ she’s had to do ‘functioning’, she’s in a different place - torn, wanting so badly to bond with someone yet having to listen to all these inner voices and balance her real self with what she feels she should be projecting. I wanted the bit when she arrives back to feel like a culmination and exhalation - a physical release (literal outpouring) of the tension that had been building in all that had preceded it.
Loved the double twist ending. In honour of this story, I went and got some chips while I was reading it. Here in Mexico, they call them “patatas fritas”, but a chip is a chip. Sadly, they’ve got no vinegar.
Thank you so much Jo-Ann. Stories take more work because they are longer but I want to get better at them, hone my craft. I appreciate you committing the time to read it and feed back ❤️
Yes a good story looking for love in the wrong place.The moral of the story for me is don't look for love in the wrong people.Love yourself we are all equal no matter how much money or education we have.Good story Julie 😊 reality bites.x.
The line the drunk said - about him being worth more than pennies - was actually a line I overheard in real life the other day. The photo was a random window I walked past. As for Streatley, I once visited there when I worked for YHA on a course. They used to have a hostel there. And I really liked it. Nice place - and the deer I saw stuck in my head.
I haven’t written a longish short story (if that’s a thing) in a while and wanted to challenge myself. Also wanted to write something about mental health that wasn’t so obvious as saying ‘mental health matters’ or some other trite shite. Hopefully it gets people to think more about the various ‘masks’ people wear. I hope you take something from it. As the cliche goes, everyone is fighting a battle we don’t know about, aren’t they? ❤️🙏
I liked it, Julie. It has stayed with me. You deftly depict the awkwardness yet connection between two different people with different backgrounds. The ending is surprising and cloaks the story in mystery.
Thank you, Hamish. I imagine the reason the ending is a surprise is because it was partly a surprise to me too. I write it a couple of times and wasn’t sure which direction to take it in.
Wow. I got engrossed. As other commentors have said, I had no idea where you were taking me. I'm not sure where I ended up either.
I felt like I was being invited to not trust one of the characters, but couldn't tell which. So Gabe was hiding something too. But what was the power dynamic in that little suicide pact? We never learnt enough about Ella to know. Did Gabe groom her into it? Did he just latch on to his next victim? Or did someone find their guardian angel? (his name kind of suggests the influence).
Anyway, as an overthinker, I definitely felt catered to. Thank you.
Yes, I wrote ‘Ella’ twice and then found myself going ‘Ay, ay, ay’ 😂 and wishing I had chosen a different name 😂
It’s hard to know how much to leave out isn’t it. I could have made more of that character but to me, she was a bit of a ‘wicked witch of the east’ character. We didn’t need to know all the ins and outs because focus was not on her but the two surviving characters. I quite like to leave certain aspects open to interpretation.
I originally gave this story a completely different ending where ‘Ashley’ thought she was cutting herself but was in the throes of some sort of psychotic delusion and was actually cutting Gabe and ended up killing him, I did this because in the first part of the story she expressed her anxieties and distrust of men and But when I wrote that version, it all sounded a bit too far fetched so I took it down a notch, and plus, I wanted it to end on a happier note too.
Had to calm my imagination TF down😂
Sister I didn't know where you were taking me, and when I arrived I was crying. So many rich layers to this story. The vulnerability you were able to make it palpable in such a real way. And the pacing brought me into that feeling of anxiety that happens when you're in such states. Beautiful.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. Yes. I wanted the pace to reflect the building anxiety so I am pleased it did that :)
I enjoyed this. Good writing. Keep at it.
I appreciate your encouragement. Thanks for reading.
Love this: "His breath punches the air like steam. I peer at the ground and notice the twinkles begin to outsmart the grit."
Thank you. I liked that line too. I was thinking about how that imagery mirrored the ‘battles’ of the mind - you think you are on top of something, have it ‘gritted’ but gradually the ‘ice’ makes itself known again.
Interesting; I read those lines as setting the atmosphere and it placed me in the scene feeling the cold. I hadn't considered a psychological metaphor at all! Great piece which I really enjoyed.
Well it was both. Glad you enjoyed, anyway 😊
I nearly got whiplash as the banter ended and going home scene unfolds
One of the things I am trying to work on in my writing, is pace. Consistency. When to hold it and when to deliberately betray it.
I wanted the difficulty in trying to ‘hold it together’ to become more apparent as time elapsed. At first, the character feels a little anxious but by the end of the night with all the ‘work’ she’s had to do ‘functioning’, she’s in a different place - torn, wanting so badly to bond with someone yet having to listen to all these inner voices and balance her real self with what she feels she should be projecting. I wanted the bit when she arrives back to feel like a culmination and exhalation - a physical release (literal outpouring) of the tension that had been building in all that had preceded it.
That was what I was aiming for anyway :)
Loved the double twist ending. In honour of this story, I went and got some chips while I was reading it. Here in Mexico, they call them “patatas fritas”, but a chip is a chip. Sadly, they’ve got no vinegar.
Si, patatas fritas! I would love to visit Mexico, bet it’s amazing. Need a bit of vinegar though. Glad you enjoyed the story :)
That was one compelling story Julie.
Thank you so much Jo-Ann. Stories take more work because they are longer but I want to get better at them, hone my craft. I appreciate you committing the time to read it and feed back ❤️
😊You’re welcome and that had me on the edge.
Yes a good story looking for love in the wrong place.The moral of the story for me is don't look for love in the wrong people.Love yourself we are all equal no matter how much money or education we have.Good story Julie 😊 reality bites.x.
Self love has to come first before we can love anyone else, definitely.❤️
That was really good, Julie. Very gripping and realistic. 🩵
Thank you Grace. Glad you took something from it.
That was wonderful, Julie, and you had me right up to the end—-with the twist! ❤️
Oh, thank you so much 😊 Really appreciate that.
The line the drunk said - about him being worth more than pennies - was actually a line I overheard in real life the other day. The photo was a random window I walked past. As for Streatley, I once visited there when I worked for YHA on a course. They used to have a hostel there. And I really liked it. Nice place - and the deer I saw stuck in my head.