Nine years old

A poem about an old friend from my past

You were skinny and small

Faded denim jeans on

We met in a record shop

Fourteen years old

Or was it fifteen?

Because time was in hiding

The way that it does

When it lives on your side

.

Your black leather jacket said

“Fuck off and die”

Just made me like you more

Chatted for hours

You were going to leave

And my face said it all

That’s when you asked

“Would you like to come back with me?”

.

Jumped at the chance

I went home to your family

Cosy couch in the kitchen 

Makeshift teenage sanctuary

Lived there with your parents

Your sister and brother

And two foster kids

Who would shit in the wardrobe

.

Your ‘cool’ mum and dad

Bought you all that you wanted

Jewellery, clothes

And tickets to concerts

At first it appeared

You were just a bit streetwise

Had grown up in pubs

Seen more than your average

But at such tender age

You’d slept with 40 men

Should have rang alarm bells

But I was just curious

Instead, I would quiz you

“What does sex feel like?”

You’d give me descriptions

Better than manuals

.

You became a joke figure

The girl who would do it

A starter for virgins

And everyone knew it

“Our mate can sort you”

We’d say to the lads

They’d go take their turn

Took the pressure off us

But no kid should own

Such an middle aged soul

There had to be more

And one day you felt comfortable

Broke down and told me

The things he had done

You were just nine years old

In the holiday caravan

.

He’d said you looked ‘so grown up’

In your new dress

You wish you’d not worn it

Had it triggered the rest?

And then, what was worse

Was, you’re sure your mum guessed

You’d cried the whole day

And she’d never once asked

What was wrong, just kept saying;

“stop crying, stop crying”

And after a while, penny dropped

No-one was saving you

It just carried on,

Nothing ever was said

After last orders

He’d be there in your bed

.

“Sleep over!” you’d beg us

Didn’t want his hands on you

You froze, lay there paralysed

To make it end quicker

And once, we were there

When he entered the room

Put his hand under the cover

And grabbed our mate Kelly

“Sorry!” he’d said

“Was looking for the cat”

We’d known what he wanted

And it wasn’t that

.

We went to a psychic

You came out in tears

She told of his self hate

How he always felt guilty

But that didn’t get back

The trust and the years

The way you kept searching

To fill all that empty

.

I last saw you 10 years ago

A slip of a shadow

Fucking strangers in parks

Seeking thrill in the hollow

Random fellas from apps

In the rain and the cold

Your dad killed you back then

.

You were just nine years old