Miserable As Sun

A rant about the weather fear porn

“LIONS and TIGERS and BEARS!”

What’s that Mr Weatherman?

(Or is it ‘Climate Change Reporter’?)

“Sorry………..I mean SUNBURN and WILD FIRES and DEHYDRATION!”

Jiggery Pokery.

Because the message is the same.

Be afraid! Be VERY afraid!

Listen, no-one hates a dog in a hot car more than I do, but it’s gotten ridiculous, hasn’t it?

The sun hasn’t so much ‘got his hat on’ anymore, he’s donned a sinister balaclava.

He’s evil personified.

He’s lurking the leafy avenues of Leamington Spa and scouring the snickets of Scarborough like a July Jason.

Close your curtains folks!

Don’t wanna be making contact with THAT fucker!

No, before you know it you’ll be riddled with VITAMIN D!

You might even be tricked into thinking it’s SAFE TO HEAD TO THE BEACH!

Heaven forbid!

Thankfully, this very real and serious danger is hammered home to us daily by a weather map that looks like a promo for a new book ‘50 shades of terror’.

Looks like one of Bob Ross’s lesser used colour palettes. The one where we go from burnt ochre to crimson to HELL IS HERE, NOW!!!!

Feels like when they’re not staving off the sun by zig zagging across it like a 80’s kid given an Etch-A-Sketch, they’re finding ever more innovative ways to piss on Mother Nature’s parade!

And pissing on is a fair summing up, isn’t it?

After all, we can’t be using water for our parades, carnivals or anything else remotely joy inducing.

Because, well………WATER SCARCITY!

Which is nothing whatsoever to with water companies not repairing leaks or building more reservoirs.

Nah

Nothing whatsoever to do with prioritising profit over maintenance.

Honest

It’s Jeff across the road having the audacity to tinkle his sprinkler on the strawberries.

It’s Jennifer next door cooling her clematis.

It’s Ian sponging down his Skoda.

And if you think otherwise……well!

Shame on you!

May your trailing lobelia forever wilt!

No, don’t be using water to float your boat!

Unless it’s an actual boat obviously, because as of yet, they haven’t banned sea use.

I’m sure they will at some point so they can mass harvest the salt.

Like they extract every other ounce of anything remotely beneficial, before selling it back to us like the profit driven Sylvester McMonkey Mcbeans they are.

I saw a picture of a Cornetto the other day and it was so flat it looked like it had been given a buzz cut!

One could be forgiven for thinking that summer was a new phenomenon.

That no-one survived the scorcher of 76.

I’d have only have been two, but can’t help think I’d have been given a sun hat and a Jubbly and left to it.

These days, if you’re not slathering your little cherub in factor 50 on the hour, you’re made to feel like you’ve sodded off for Tapas.

Yes, heat can kill, dehydration can kill, wild fires can kill.

But you know what kills more than all of those things put together?

Being cooped up in a room, miserable as sin, frightened to go out, endlessly doom scrolling and listening to fear porn courtesy of the BBC.

Yes, poor mental health!

What’s the answer?

I think the good old British tradition of taking the mick goes a long way.

Mock their madness by brazenly sporting shorts.

Court controversy by wilfully watering a wallflower or wetting a lettuce.

Emphasis their absurdity by doing your best Caroline Aherne impression and shouting ‘Scorchio!’ whenever you meet one of their muppet mouthpieces parroting their hysteria.

To be clear, I take no responsibility whatsoever for your utter contempt for state sponsored ‘advice’ and you daring to enjoy your Summer.

You selfish, risk taking bastard.

PS: Thanks for reading. I now have more than 350 pieces on substack. It’s a very mixed bag but if this rant resonates, you can find more opinion pieces under the heading ‘opinion piece’ on my home page.

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