Happy Birthday NHS?

Why I won’t be celebrating this nothingfest

Let’s celebrate the birthday of the NHS!

And whilst we’re at it, why don’t we celebrate soggy paper straws and those bio carrier bags made of some bollocks with the holding properties of melted chewing gum?

Oh sorry……..I meant ‘Our’ NHS.

Got to get that in now, haven’t we?

Promote the notion of shared ownership, emotional investment.

Well, please don’t include me in your misguided reverence of a failed social experiment.

I have NO stake in your imploding submersible of billionaire pimps.

And before some arsewipe pipes up with the obvious, yes OF COURSE I’d take their ambulance if I were out sparko on a blood splattered dual carriageway,  rather like I’d let Rishi Sunak piss on me if I were on fire.

I’d also take a tin of Aldi bullet beans if starving, and a hole in the ground to shit in if my toilet was blocked.

Yes, absolutely, there are countries that ‘have things a lot worse’.

Doesn’t mean we can’t do better though, does it?

British passion for a fabled golden age has made fools of us. We want to believe our ‘Flag Ship’ is the envy of the world, we really do.

Sure, mate……and Kim Kardashian would rather have your flat English shelf of an arse.

Who even knows what the NHS is anymore, anyway? Where it starts and finishes.

A simple correspondence boasts more ‘Foundations’ than a burst of ‘Build Me Up Buttercup’ and more references to ‘Trust’ and ‘Partners’ than a counselling session with Phil Schofield.

To what ends?

Couldn’t be a desire to actively confuse accountability, obscure who to complain to should things go wrong…..

Cynical, me?

Okay, NHS, I admit…..you’ve been there for me.

Like the metal spikes on a building that wait to impale weary pigeons.

From the time you made my son’s birth as traumatic as it could have possibly been, to the years we spent languishing on a CAMHS waiting list, only to find out “that was a just a pre waiting list to go on the real waiting list”.

You big blue heart tease!

But perhaps I’m judging them too harshly.

Because we all know what the NHS does best is ‘prevention’, vaccinations and stuff, isn’t it?

No matter how long the waiting list, how big the backlogs and how few beds they claim to have, rolling your sleeve up for da man is never an issue, is it?

We’re not just ‘encouraged’, but actively hunted down by a crack team, writing, phoning and texting like your worst stalker on steroids.

And if you’re a woman of a certain age, then it’s like meeting Willy Wonka on factory open day. “Could I interest you in HRT, anti depressants……?”

Hell, if it’s good enough for Penny Lancaster and Davina McCall, who gives a fuck, hey?

I think it’s great that they’re so ‘proactive’.

You know, at lining the pockets of Big Pharma.

Almost like they have a little circuit going. You scratch our back, we’ll screw over the public…..

Have you noticed how when you do actually get to see someone (usually a ‘clinician’), they always have to okay everything with you these days too, don’t they?

“Are we alright with that, then?  You could take this pathway or you could take that one. What would you like to do next?”

Um….HELLO….that’s why I’m here….because I’ve no fucking clue and I thought you’d gone to Uni to learn about this shit.

When you’ve watched your puzzled child try to decipher the muffled words of a cloth mouthed Occupational Therapist, you’ll realise what a farce it’s all become.

Like everything else it’s become more about feeding sensibilities, virtue signalling and propaganda than what it was designed for.

Why bother talking someone through important exercises when you can present them with a few print outs they can read at home?

Why bother addressing root causes when you can spit out meds and create customers for life?

Scamdemic showed it for what it truly was.

A tool of manipulation.

It’s not the people in the NHS I take issue with, although it must never be forgotten the part many of them played in the jab pushing, Tik Tok dancing debacle that was Convid.

But ‘good people’ working there cannot be a reason to hold up a failed institution, can it?

There are good folk working at Morrisons and down the Chipshop, after all.

What I have a problem with, is the way government continues to hold it over us like an elderly relative we should be grateful hasn’t kicked the bucket yet.

Bang a pan, sport a blue heart, sponsor an old fella to walk up and down his garden or whatever.

The NHS has had more contrived ‘thank yous’ than a weekend yoga retreat.

And every winter is naturally ‘the worst ever’. We get told in graphic detail just how ‘crippled’ it will be, how many beds we’ll be short, how many people will be turned away….

Just piss off with your gratitude based fear mongering.

Imagine if money spent sending out letters and harassing people into stuff they don’t want, was funnelled into things people NEEDED!

Imagine if we started out every winter by over estimating how many beds we needed instead of just kinda winging it…..

Imagine if we sacked off all the money spent on middle managers and groupthink indoctrination?

If we prioritised life saving operations over vaccines, actions over affirmation?

‘Our’ NHS has the nostalgic charm of your old teenage wonder bra.

It once did a decent job with the little it had, holding shit up and creating an illusion of cups that runneth over.

Fast forward a few decades and it can be seen for what it was - layers of excess padding propping up a scant reality.

And as with bras, healthcare has to about working with the truth, adequate structure and tailored support in place where required.

The NHS is dead.

DEAD.

We can pretend it is alive, just as Norman Bates can whisper sweet nuthins to his decomposing mother in the moth ridden attic.

But both are twisted fantasies played out at the expense of innocent people.

Only one of them is still a classic to be proud of.