Dear Santa

An open letter rant to the biggest grifter in the world

Dear Santa

I’m going to tell you what I want for Christmas…..but I know you’re not going to like it.

Fuck it, life ain’t a popularity contest, right?

I want YOU GONE.

Disposed of.

I won’t say ‘dead’ - seeing as you don’t exist anyway - but banished from popular culture.

We teach our children not to lie, yet every year, millions of people think it’s fine to override this because YOU’RE somehow special.

They convince themselves they’re filling their kids’ heads ‘with magic’.

Um, no, they’re filling it with shit.

Children already have fertile imaginations, naturally inventing games and playing in the realm of make believe.

So, why do we insist on planting something where wild roses already bloom?

WHAT needs enriching exactly?

I’ll tell you what.

Their own dull little adult lives.

Let’s face it, if they were bullshitting their peers in this way, they’d be rightly called out as lying fantasists.

Then there’s your ‘Naughty and Nice’ list.

Ever heard of unconditional love, mate?

If I had a penny for every parent I heard in December say:

“Be good…. or Santa won’t be coming!”.

Usually whilst dragging their precious darling kicking and screaming down the fruit and veg aisle in Tesco.

Classy.

May I suggest you read Alfie Kohn’s ‘Punished by Rewards’ to familiarise yourself with the damage that can be done to a child’s long term motivation and sense of achievement by adopting your flawed behaviourist approach.

Then there’s your little bestie ‘Elf On The Shelf’.

No! He’s NOT ‘fun’!

He’s rolling out Big Brother culture - introducing kids to the idea that someone is watching them 24/7 in THEIR OWN HOME.

Not remotely creepy at all, right?

What’s that little Johnny? They’ve been titting about making snow angels from flour when you know they were on the shelf when you went to bed?

Gaslighting bastards.

And mental health aside, while we’re at it, you’re not great at promoting physical health either, are you? Always stuffing your face with mince pies and drink-flying.

But what can we expect from the guy who sold his soul to Coca Cola back in the day, swapping your green suit for red to shift their cans of sugary shite. Is there anything you won’t do, you brand slag? Hell - they even had you pimping ‘Covid’ jabs a couple of years ago on the telly back via Martin Kemp (of all people!)

But the thing I hate most about you, is the fact you still have the western world in the palm of your hand.

Even though I personally chose to raise my child without pandering to your cult - and be sure it is one - you’re everywhere.  There is no escaping you and your Ho Ho Whoring.

When he was little I couldn’t stand at a bus stop without someone piping up;

“Ooh, is Father Christmas coming soon?”

No he’s bloody isn’t, and neither is anyone else.

Deal with it.

And here’s the thing.

Little ones are already full of wonder. You’ve only got to watch a tot get excited over a digger or a puddle to see that.

So maybe your popularity is instead, all about adults projecting and blindly following what their own parents did without question, rather than what their logic and intuition tells them their own kids actually want or need.

It’s not that I don’t believe in good will at Christmas (or any other time) but rather that I resent having a pretendy fella to do it through.

Who made YOU middle man?

If a parent wants to treat their kid, why should you be dining out on it?

Is it not better that the child knows their parents’ hard earned cash paid for the ipad or bike?

You know…….the value of money.

But that’s life all over, isn’t it?

Some old, fat white bloke in a suit taking credit for the shit the minions do.

Tell me I’m wrong!

Your conditioning bollocks is so last century.

I want kids (and adults) to behave well because they actually believe that being kind to their fellow human is the right thing to do, NOT because they think they will ‘get something’.

Radical, hey?

I don’t want children raised thinking it’s normal to be under surveillance.

I don’t want kids and parents shamed because they can’t compete with the family next door.

And

I want gifts bought out of love, not stress and duty.

So take your ‘North Pole’ and shove it up your lardy arse.

There, I think I got that off my chest.

Julie

(Not a fan)

PS: Who’s to say I’m right, hey? Certainly, last time I wrote with a request to a famous white haired geezer who fixed it for kids to get stuff, in retrospect, it was quite a relief that things didn’t go my way…….😬