Dear Mr Musk

An open letter to our new patron saint of Free Speech

Dear Elon

Patron saint of free speech.

I would like to say how absolutely life affirming it is to see you returning some of the suspended Twitter accounts to your ‘Digital Town Square’. (Love that phrase - it’s the new ‘Food Court’!)

I used to think you were a cunt, and so did my friends, but since you restored some of their accounts, I’ve come to see you are a wonderful man and I have nothing but admiration and respect for you.

Know what?

I am just going to overlook those mean things you did to all those monkeys -  I’ve been to the Safari Park and they can be little bastards, can’t they? Dicking about with the windscreen wipers.  They needed teaching a lesson.  Won’t be doing *that* again anytime soon, hey, Elon?

As for your plans to give people better internet speeds via Starlink, what’s not to like? Light pollution? What the fuck? Are these whiners for real? People moan about councils not spending enough on safer streets and here you are practically giving the world free streetlights as an ‘add on bonus’ and still folk complain! Those animals whose habitats it screws over…...well…..what did THEY ever do for safer streets, hmm?

Some people wouldn’t know altruism if it hit them like a hole in the head, would they?

Speaking of which, I know some people are cautious of these digital chips you champion …..but I LIKE chips. Chips are nice, aren’t they?  You can just shove em in, forget about em, watch Netflix……I mean we’re all just (couch) potatoes really, anyway….aren’t we? Life is all about convenience and if I could just do everything from my head instead of picking up my phone (which, let’s face it, is such a fucking ballache!) it would make things even easier, wouldn’t it? Well, so long as you made sure it wasn’t open to abuse…….I’m sure you would. And it would have to be tested on lots more monkeys first, of course……

Mr Musk, you are a man who can change lives at the touch of a button and the best thing about your kind of free speech - your ‘Town Square’ - is that you get to turn it on and off whenever you like.  Reminds me of when my son used to like playing with a torch. Switching it on and off at will, so it shone a spotlight on exactly what he wanted, whenever he wanted to, whilst other things he didn’t want us to see remained in total darkness.

Your style too…..it’s so ‘shoot from the hip’; love it! You reinstated Kanye then suspended him again. It just gives people a feeling of ‘Wild West’, doesn’t it? Like “Ooh,  I’m not sure how long I’ll be here so maybe I should watch what I say…” I mean Twitter used to piss off the right but they’re ALL throwing their toys out of the pram left, right AND centre, aren’t they? Way more fair.

And……I just love all these polls you do! It’s great you’re so interested in everyone- their political views, voting intentions…….it’s so inclusive and you must know SO much about people - like having a human data library at your fingertips, hey? I mean, in the wrong hands that information could be SO damaging so it’s a good job you’re a really nice man we trust.

The “Twitter Files”? What an edgy idea that was, too! Finger on the pulse, dude! Like “The X Files” but without the cool theme tune. I see what you did there - picked up on public appetite for mystery - conspiracy - and made it into *a thing* .

Loving that in “The Twitter Files” Twitter didn’t destroy the evidence of the FBI connection before you took over. It’s almost as though someone wanted you to find it, isn’t it? Just like in a real mystery when someone does that to distract from people looking in the direction of the real villains…....smart!

Anyway, enough from me. I’ll be sliding down the road like a horny snail at this rate, Elon.

Phew….!

I just had to say all this because…….because…..well……

NO-ONE FUCKING ELSE IS