Breaking the taboo of SEND VCB (Violent and Challenging Behaviour) in children.

“What is it I’m not getting?”

A friend said recently as I described my child’s controlling tendencies.

As always, it’s easy to see a solution to a problem you’re not directly involved in.

“Hit”

I said, matter of factly.

“You’re not getting HIT.”

Violent and challenging behaviour (or SEND VCB) in children and teenagers as it is known, is more prevalent than society likes to admit.

It flies in the face of the family idyll.

No one wants to think about a child or teen physically attacking their parents. As adults, we are, after all ‘in charge’, protectors.

Violent partners get attention.

Aggressive children do not.

Partners of abusers are encouraged to leave.

There are refuges.

But there are no ‘safe houses’ for mothers physically attacked by their offspring.

When it’s a young person, it’s different.

And rightly so.

They are minors, still learning.

We can’t leave home.

And even if we could, most of us would choose to stay, because aside from love, we brought our child into the world and as such have a duty to make it work. To do our utmost to shape, guide, influence…..

There is blame hurled from all directions.

There are the self righteous. Those who proclaim it ‘must’ be the parenting, that it would never happen to them.

Who’s to say? We can’t disprove that.

We joined the same groups, read the same books and would never have stood for it from a partner.

Then there are the vocal ‘disability activists’. Those who accuse us of ableism, publicly ‘shaming’ our children with additional needs.

I vehemently reject that.

Most parents of children with additional needs go above and beyond to accommodate their child’s difficulties. We are their fiercest advocates.

But just because you know physical aggression stems from anxiety and genuine struggle rather than malice, does not make it hurt less.

We still bruise.

We still flinch.

We still cry.

And it needs talking about.

Openly.

So I’m talking about it.

Now.

Here.

With you.

Maybe it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Conversations worth having, usually do.

Whatever you think, won’t be something I haven’t heard before or wondered myself. I have been taking the judgement of others for years. I’m used to it, water off a duck’s back…..but not everyone is.

Many are reluctant to admit it happens to them, because it really is one of society’s last taboos. Maybe they feel weak, like a failure.

Well, let me tell you, it happens to me and I’m no victim. I’m a strong woman.

I don’t have it figured out by any means.

But every day I keep showing up.

Doing my best.

As do so many others.

And if this post helps one parent feel that tiny bit less alone, or fosters a little compassion, then it will have been worth it.